Currently Listening The Face of Love By Sanctus Real see related

¿¿why??

questions have been popping up in my mind and i just wanted to get some of them out

Why..
    ..do things seem so big when we were younger but when we grow older they are small?
                       while others are still too big?
    ..do small things stay small but yet not get smaller?
    ..can a question be answered that wasn't even asked?
                      and yet form so many more question?
    ..do people talk for hours but not say anything meanful?
    ..are poepole kept at arms lenth?
                      even when they try not to?
    ..am i never the same around different people?
    ..do I feel soo much likeyou yet only feel it when I'm around you?
    .. don't we ever talk anymore?
                      did I push you away??
    ..did I feel so awkward about God but still haven undying faith?
    ..did I wake up one morning with unwavering beief only to have it subside little by little?
    ..do I feel alienated everytime I go to church?
    ..do I wish for something that I know/feel will never happen?
    ..do I ask the unanswerabl?
    ..do I ignore the major problems?
                      and dwell on the tiny matters?
    ..are people everywhere except where it matters?
    ..am I such a hypocrite?
    ..does it matter so much to me??
    ..can't I just forget??
                      forgive and forget??
    ..does it seem that I ingore most of the people in my life?
                      when all I really want is to be beside them?
    ..does it have to hurt so much?
    ..can I believe in romance yet not feel any?
    ..do I care soo much?
                       yet do nothing?
    ..is there no one there???
    ..am I so scaried?
    ..do I want to have a big family when I can barely stand my own?
    ..does it feel like I'm so alone?

Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were---I have not seen
As others saw---I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I lov'd, I loved alone.
Then---in my childhood---in the dawn
Of a most stormy life---was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold---
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by---
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

thoughts

so pretty much its been a while and hopefully that means not alot of ppl read these...so here whats on my mind

graduation is here...this years has been great...along with the last twelve years...there are points that im glad idont remember and others i wish i could foget. i believe, or hope i guess, that i will miss everyone i my class. all of them are special to me, whether thats a good thing or not well thats debatable but no matter what i love them with all my heart; i wish them all the best of luck in the world. This last year we have been tryin to do things as a class...try to get most of us in on  all these things...there are the ppl that cant do things cause of work and other obligations...that we get....but there then are others...mainly just one i can think of that we all knew would not be a part of our clas...and that actually turned into two ppl that decide...i no this is not true but i cant help to think that its true...that they are too good for us and dont want to hang out with us. they had plenty of oppurtunities and still do yet...for some reason i never see then or even get to hang out with them....know do NOT get me wrong i would still do nethin for them but i just wish they would show the same love for me. but then again its not a big surprise.......but u wanna no what has truely thrown me a loop?? the fact that one of them has been acting like everythin is okand that they all this time he/she HAS been part of the group......WHO ARE YOU KIDDIN!! everyone, basically, thinks the same thing but we choose to be ur friend and just ignore some of the behavior uhave shown us instead of being ur enemy or foe .....so sue us!!!! but truelly...again i say hopefully....i will miss everysingle person and wish the best...i will always cherish the memories that i have will all of you and if you would need nethin just give me call.....

so to night was nhs awards...if u didnt notice i was NOT in a good mood there at the end and actually not evenwhen i arrived...it wasnt really ne ONE persons fault i was just in a bad mood...more or less i have got some anger problems... i dont no how to let ppl no what i am feeling and u no what?? im pretty used to it and i think most of the ppl are too but the only major thing about it is that anger and hatred can be a really bad thing....i think tonight all that anger and hatred of differnt things finially would not be controlled......i was thinkin to myself about y in the world could i possibly be angery?? and i thinki found areason....ya there are ppl that im not too happy with right now and day dream of hurting as bad as me right now...but i would never reallywish that too happen, that would just plainly suck....but ithink that major reason i was soo upset was at myself....its like im a dissappoint to my parents...and the weird thing is is that i havnt really  been tryin that hard...like ihave but not at the same time?? if that makes sense at all...but i want to say screw you so loud but icould never do that just for that point... i have feelin like i  could do more just dont really want to ...i like to let ppl think that i have the w/e attitude ...and to a sense i do cause i let everythin just kinda roll untill it pills up and i dont ever really realize it until the point it breaks....so ya my bad....sry

i go thru the day actin like i always have but then i come home and im basically a different person...i have said before that i hate fake ppl...but yet i am one...i show ppl what they expect or what i feel in that moment ....if this makes sense, i go off of their energy not really mine...but then later i think about it and thats not me...thats not who i am.......if ppl really wanted to no me i dont no what i could tell them...i have told ppl that and they just get mad but thats the complete truth...i dont no nethin about me..only what i feel from other ppl or what the other ppl have told me...what am i suppose to do next year when i have to make decisions?? or can i go thru the rest of my life goin off of other ppl???

my life is not perfect...no one's is but yet even with that knowledge i still wish it would all end...i used to relie of faith but i cant do that nemore..i praymost nights more out of habit then out of belief....i believe or at least i like to think i do...but i have so many questions and i cant seem to put them into words....the one thing that was always there for me and i could count on no matter what, is not there right now and i dont like pretending that it is....if i would tell my parents or most of my family this they would just say "talk to paster or harlen, one of them can make it better. go to church that will help too" but u see, i have tried goin to church and ihave tried talkin to ppl but when i cant get my own feelings into line how am isuppose to let others no the problem??? thats a good question...how can i change????

where can i turn when i feel like i have no one?? no real friends...and my parents and family just dont get me?? they see the lil girl i used to be and not the teenager..the one that doesnt no what to make of this world that scares the living shit out of me...the one person i feel maybe could...im afraid of...i dont want to push him away.......the one girl that does understand a lil more..i dont what to think...i want to trust yet i still find myself falling away...falling away cause i dont want to get hurt..but u wanna no the weird thing...im still gettin hurt....not from ppl but from myself.......if i cant love myself how can i expect neone to love me???

i wish i could go back to being lil...but even then i didnt enjoy life but atleast i took it one day at a time...im afraid to grow up cause i have an idea of what to expect.....im gonna to uglier and fatter...so fat omg its gonna be horrible....and i do want a big family....but will i ever find someone that can truely love me??? how can i ask someone to love me when i feel like no one in my family even loves me?? i dont even love myself most of the time...so life is gonna be rough.....

if only i could say things when i really meant it...if i wasnt scared of ppl turning their backs..or of ppl hurting me so bad i couldnt stand another day of this ugly mess...how in the world am i suppose to live another like 50 years when these last 3 have seemed endless...and never ending??

i do love some things in this world and if ppl are reading this then no this....i have ppl i really care about and its only for them that i can get out of bed in the morning...everythin i have done , i have never done for myself....i dont no who to do somethin for myself and feel plzed with myself....i just feel disappoinment or anger...or even loniless cause im tired of seeing the bright side...at least right now in this instant

this last thing is the very honest truth...so have another great summer!!

Currently Listening Smile, It's the End of the World By Hawk Nelson see related

ok this is gonna be my last blog at least until school starts so ya i'm dedicating this too all the memories the good and the bad...hehe.....first week of vaction i got my senior pics taken in denver and i was tryin to have them here when school started but it doesnt look that way. then came back for a week and then went to Washinton D.C. ya i dont think i can ever say neuff about that but here are my fav pics from it

 
ya i could go on but humm i guess thats all i want to bore u with and also this quote

"Many people ten to associate commitment with their emotions. If they feel that the right was, then they can follow through on their commitments. But true commitment doesnt work that way. It's not an emotion; its's a character quality that enables us to reach our goals. Human emotions go up and down all the time, but commitment has to be rock solid." ~~John C. Maxwell

yep who knew that a week, and it wasnt even a week, there could change a person. now i know i have changed over this summer and someone told me that it didnt really seem like that much but to be honest here i think i have probably changed more then ne one really knows...well cept for maybe paigie..yep my paigie lol gotta luv her

lets see then alicia came back from her lil month long trip!! and it was awesome hangin out with her. got to meet austin and hang out with cris c some. all very nice ppl lol then ya work, work and more work did do whole lot else my life seemed to crash into itself but i manged with Illinios lol  umm then my sis got married...pics!!

oo ya i almost forgot alicia's lil birtday campout which apperently i was pissed at and didnt even no it but ya i got to meet 2 new ppl which was totally awesome and got to see Bree which was GREAT and hang out with Jess plus ppl from onaga and it was a blast even goin to ihop really earlyin the mornin lol luv you guys

now after amy's weddin was the fair which was holy crap!! fun and exciting and very interesting!! lol if i hung out with u a lot u no what i mean by that lol and i luv all u guys tons for puttin up with me!! lol  then ya here we are oo wait i have 2 more pics!!

hehe thank stacey for those last 2 pic now that summer is over i thought 1 last quote would do

It's weird...you know the end of something great is coming, but you want to hold on, just for one more second...just so it can hurt a little more.

and humm i think thats all...it may be weird to say but i cant wait till school starts cause i get to see everyone again! not only ppl i go to school with but also ppl from not around here cause national convention is not even like 2 months away or somethin like that so ya ttyl luvya!!

hey ppl~~~~fair's over....wow that was an interesting time..ya lets just keep it at that, got to see a lot of ppl that i haven't seen all summer so it was worth it and ya. lol summer has went by so fast!! does neone else think that?? i feel like its still june and i just got back from washington. but the one nice thing now is that school is about to start which means that me and kels get to do all sorts of things for FFA and National Convetion is soon!! yah!! its gonna be a blast i cant fricken wait!! other then that ya not  much else to say school starts the 22nd. i have a locker inbetween alison and alicia.

Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge
and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you,
you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.

If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together..
there is something you must always remember.
you are braver than you believe,
stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think.
but the most important thing is,
even if we're apart..
i'll always be with you.

Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out,
but to see who cares enough to break them down.

 I hope your dreams take you...
to the corners of your smiles,
to the highest of your hopes,
to the windows of your opportunities,
and to the most special places
your heart has ever known.

If you can imagine it,
you can achieve it;
if you can dream it,
you can become it.

What lies behind    us and what lies before   us
are tiny matters compared to what lies within    us.

ok its been a while since i update and its kinda been cause i've been busy but also cuase i've been lazy. i had to work everyday last week and this week. over the weekend my sis Amy got married. lets just say that it was pretty, and nice. The best part was the limo ride from wheaton to manhattan. Well actually it was to manhattan and then like 30 minutes just riding around. let me just say that being around basically 12 25+ yr olds is not a very good thing and i learnd more about amy and her friends then i wanted to no but o well it was fun. other then that life sucks. fair starts the week wow fun fun well maybe i will see ppl again maybe if i can! luv ya ttyl

brook

me familia

Puerta Rico!! lol

" If it's very painful for you to critize
your friends- you are safe in doing it.
But if you take the slightest pleasure
in it, that's the time to hold your tongue. "
Alice Duer

i've been sleeping with the lights on
so if i wake in the night
your picture is clearly in sight
- the starting line

" Beware, the fury of a patient "

you learn alot about people
when you listen to the songs
that mean something to them

When we are angry or depressed in our
creativity, we have misplaced our power.
We have allowed some one else to
determine our worth, and then we are
angry at being undervalued.
- Julia Margaret Cameron